I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
