What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
