After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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