I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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