Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
ttyl tear gas
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
