omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
