cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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