if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
