I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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