i permit you to call me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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