Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
