i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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