I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
