I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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