i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
