Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
