i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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