I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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