Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
