so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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