Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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