Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
