I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
