i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
