I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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