I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
