Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
