I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
