If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
