Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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