I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
