a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
