my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
