Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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