Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we're making bets on your personal life
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
