I puked a lego.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
