Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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