I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
