I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
