I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
