i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
