I hate your face
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
