Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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