I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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