Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
barbara walters just said penis...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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