What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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