Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
