I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
