My liver just broke up with me...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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