I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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