I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
