Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
