Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
