I can't breathe out the right side of my face
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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