You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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