I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
