oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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