YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
